Will I ever sleep again?

Lying awake at night.every.single.night.

My anxiety keeping me awake every fucking night.... it's the unknown that'll get you. Shock and then anger. The anger of not knowing everything at the start of all of this. My partner says I have to learn to accept it. But why didn't they tell me everything at the beginning? I don't think this anger is helping, but it's all I can think about lying awake at night.

Before my chemo starts, I will drink myself to sleep every night to get to sleep. However, this backfires, and I wake up at 2am and stay awake all night. I have an idea!! I take some trusty Lorazepam...this works! wooo!! Can I take this every night? Will I become dependent on it? Do I actually care if I do? Nope, I do not care.

After a few nights of this, there has to be a better way. I call the clinic and ask for sleeping pills, thank god. This works. I just need to get to my first chemo appointment (the fear of not knowing what will happen to me is the reason I can't sleep).

I don't need the pills now that I've completed my first treatment...I know now what to expect. I now rely on visualization techniques (just quietly chanting to myself "beach, sand, water, sun, Portugal, Florence, Italy in general") and counting backwards from 100 to get to sleep...it's working so far.