When I was free.

I've been thinking a lot of the "before times". Not just before cancer, but also before the pandemic. I guess these go hand in hand, because they happened only a few months apart. I think of all of the beautiful and fun memories I have, just being free. I know everyone in this world thinks about this. I remember going for walks outside at lunchtime (when working at the office), just being able to run to the mall for a last minute gift or just to grab an afternoon snack or coffee. I miss meeting up with friends for a drink after work, and then going home at a reasonable hour, so I could do the whole thing again the next day. It's mostly the day to day things I miss about being free. I now find that I have anxiety about life not going back to normal for me. I'm scared my life is forever changed since cancer. I'm scared to eat the food that I enjoy, and to drink any alcohol, and I'm scared that I'll never be free again. I know reading shit on the internet isn't healthy for anyone, but they scare you into feeling like you have to live a completely different life, in order to keep the cancer away. For example, they say that women should only have maximum of one drink per day. But what if I want to go out with my friends? or have a few drinks? or how about when I'm travelling and want to share a bottle of wine? or have a few day drinks? will the cancer come back? And what if I eat a pizza, fried food, or takeout sometimes? Will it come back? I'm so fearful now, and my partner says I can't think like this, and that the stress of this is probably more risky than the food or drink. Maybe I need to talk to survivors to see how they live their lives, or maybe I need a therapist that can help. I need to know that I can be free again, and not live in fear for the rest of my life.